Oatmeal Cookies

I always think about Jessica when I make oatmeal cookies.

To be honest, I don't think that I've made oatmeal cookies in 1 year, 10 months and 14 days....ok, I probably hadn't made them in while before that either, but...

I don't usually realize that I've subconsciously cut myself off from something until I go to do it and have a mini melt down. Or as Violet would say "Whatcha freakin' out 'bout Momma?"

The oatmeal "moment" wasn't too bad. But I did miss my sis. Miss sending her care packages with homemade oatmeal cookies -- something that I didn't do nearly often enough.

And now, I would have been able to take them right to her. Often.

Instead I avoid going to Tucson. Almost at any cost. A few weeks ago, when I finally HAD to drive deep into Tucson (my computer charger died and well, I'm sure you all can see how attached I am to my technology right now), I cried from the minute I got off of the freeway until I reached my destination.

She is supposed to be here!

I knew that moving here would be so difficult in this area. Aside from missing our family, friends (things that are huge) and well.....Disneyland.....it has been really wonderful so far. I LOVE getting to see my Momma weekly for "Sunday Dinner" and often in between. I enjoy getting to know Hal better. I am amazed by how little more time I have been at home 40 hours a week, but how much more fulfilled I am than being at work those same 40 hours. We miss our church in CA, but have found a wonderful church here and are already starting to connect with leadership and find areas to get involved in ministry. I am astounded daily by my little one's adaptability, while getting to hold her as she still misses "Caf-i-lorn-ya" and familiarity. It brought such comfort and a smile on Tuesday afternoon this week as we pulled into the garage and for the first time instead of "Is this Ana-zona?" she shouted, "We're home!"

But what only one insightful individual was able to verbalize to me before I left remains:

"It's going to be very strange for you there, with your family, but without her... isn't it?"

So, so true. "Strange" doesn't even begin to describe it. I want to think of all of the things that she could have finally been a part of -- and NOT by Skype. But I know that is useless. The truth is, I *know* that she is healthier, happier, filled and well. But that doesn't change the fact that for me, for now...it "sucks." And that is what she would have said. "THIS SUCKS!" And then, because she was who she was, she would have sighed, made a joke about running the next person she saw over with her wheelchair, gotten a Diet Coke and moved on with her life.

And so for you, SEEZTER...

"Shuh. I'm so running the next person I see over with my.....toddler. No Diet Coke -- you'd kick my booty for feeding your new niece Diet Coke."

And so tomorrow, I go back to Tucson. It won't be any easier. And I'll still probably cry. But I'll probably also giggle a little thinking of you running people down in the Disney store, trying to make sure your Violet got the best spot and enjoyed her free gift.

An Interview with Violet at 2 1/2

Stolen blog idea and interview questions from our friend Carissa's blog. Thanks for a fun conversation with Violet my friend!

What food do you like: "I want meat."
What's your favorite show: "MINNIE!!!!"
What's your favorite color: "I think blue" (Really? Not according to all the PINK in your room!)
Who are your friends: "Hopey and Abby"
Where is your favorite place to go: "Li-Bary"
What do you like to play: "My people" (Little People)
What is your favorite toy: "I sink (think)....I sink....Minnie and Daisy. Dada likes Goofy."
Who is your favorite princess: "Aurora"
What do you eat for Breakfast: "Carrots" (Ok, maybe I shouldn't have asked while she was eating carrots.)
What do you eat for Lunch & Dinner: "Carrots" (See above)
What do you like to drink: "Ga-Ga" (Water. YAY for the one remaining "baby" word.) "And juice too."
How do you help Mommy: "Yup"
What do you like to do with Dada: "Go to Disneyland!"
What do you like to do with Momma: "Go to Disneyland too!"
What's your favorite animal: "Spider Web" (Yuck!)
Favorite book: "Bear Book" (ABC book with the bear on the cover)
Where do you sleep: "In my bed" (Hallelujah, mostly true!)
What makes you happy: "Momma"
Where do we live: "We live in Ana-Zona"
Where did we used to live: "In our house."
How did we get all of our things here: "A yellow truck!"
What do you think about being a big sister: "I don't know!"
What are you going to do with Baby Sister: "Hold her in the bath tub so her head doesn't fall in the Ga-Ga."

A New Week

I'm not the most organized, regimented or controlling person in the world. I'm ok with that. I think it's part of why my marriage, parenting style and household work.

It's been an interesting combination to be so relaxed and trying to help Violet with the potty learning thing at the same time... Being so open, I wasn't really pushing or "training" her, but had become very aware of the signs that she was "ready" and went ahead and decided on Tuesday afternoon to get her "big girl panties" and have "the conversation" with her. She (of course) picked on Princess Panties (if you read this, but don't FaceBook, princesses are her OBSESSION right now - especially Aurora, Belle and Cinderella together) and was R.E.A.D.Y. to put them on Wednesday morning. By noon on Wednesday, I was exhausted and rethinking this direction. But not that Violet! She is totally committed to this and although she has varying success, has a complete breakdown any time we even discuss putting on a diaper unless she is going to bed for the night.

In light of trying to be supportive of Violet's determination, we have pressed onward. I've become acutely aware that my frustration when we have an "accident" is often directed more at myself then at her as "I should have been paying more attention" or "I should have known better." I want so badly for her to feel successful and am very much aware that at this young age, the potty thing is honestly more my responsibility then her's. Can I just say: I love diapers. Makes life so much easier.

So in the midst of all of that, accompanied by the onset of feeling some loneliness after being away from friends for 4 weeks, magnified by the box or two still left unpacked in every room of my house... I let everything fall apart.
Have let the mail pile up - knowing that there were bills that need to be paid in the pile.
Have let the dishes pile up - knowing that the dishwasher could easily be emptied and reloaded.
Have let the cleaning go undone - knowing that the dust and ick were only contributing to my feeling "down."
Have let us do next to nothing - knowing that the sitting around only exacerbated Violet's frustrating behaviors and "hyperness."

So. Today, following what I can only assume was a bit of a depressing conversation with a dear friend, I realized: I am so lucky to have people who love me enough to listen to me moan and groan. I am so lucky to have a little girl who wants to play with me even when I'm not my best Momma self. I am so lucky to have a husband who doesn't say a word about the mess our home is becoming. I am so lucky to have a Lord who loves me despite my bad attitude. I am so lucky to have a new week ahead of me to make the most of.

And so, I did something that I don't enjoy. I sat down, and against my "natural" nature, made a chore and activity schedule. It was almost comical to me to realize that as I got to scheduling Thursday and Friday, I almost didn't have ENOUGH work to stretch over the 5 days of the week. I allow myself to feel so overwhelmed with "everything I have to do," but when I look at it as Baby Steps, with a little routine and planning, I can accomplish what I need to within the next 5 days! I probably wouldn't want to live my life like this forever, but for today...

...it gave me HOPE!

We'll see how this week goes, but I am reminded of how fortunate I am and how with God's Blessing I am the one who controls what I do with the time He has given me. So.... Let's see how this week goes!

"Dee End"

So humbled by my sweet child tonight.

Laying there next to her bed in the dark, wishing she'd just settle down and go to sleep already. Happy about a very nice day, but already focused on the work ahead. "Just go to sleep so I can go pack," is all I am thinking.

Kicking her legs, rolling around, singing little non-sense phrases, grabbing my arm, tickling my skin....in short driving me nuts - I thought. And then. She turns my arm over, puts her hand in mine and says:

"Jee-sus,
Tanks for Dadda on the 'puter...
and Mindy...
and seein' Lin-sahy...
and nice day.
Dee End"

There were long pauses after each phrase. And by the time she got to "Lin-sahy" my eyes were over flowing and I sat up to put my head next to her's on the pillow.

"Momma! Watcha doin'? I'm prayin'!"

She said it with a touch of indignation that I was interrupting her moment.

And she was right. But I needed to let her lead me there, into His presence. I haven't done such a great job of taking myself there. I see His hand. I know that this move is because of His will and grace. But I have been so focused on all that I need to get done, that I have sub-consciously (and consciously at times if I'm being completely honest) felt that I didn't have time for anyone's help. Including the One without who's help this will not happen. And in just a few, brief, succinct words, a little girl was able to praise God for a great day, calm herself to ready for sleep, and remind her Momma of what REALLY is important.

So....

"Jesus,
Thanks for boxes,
And those who get them to me,
For friends to distract me
And watch over us while Robbie is gone.
Thanks for an awesome new adventure to be had,
And all of the provisions that you have made...
...many we aren't even aware of yet.
Thanks for a great day,
And help me to have a great evening as well.
Dee End!"

Goodbye California

A wonderful evening captured in favorite moments:

-Violet's repeated gasps of excitement at waking up to find so many of her favorite people
-finally being able to articulate co-existing excitement and sadness so that it could be understood
-"Boo-cuetes"
-last minute party guests who came as we were cleaning up, and stayed to help get everything done
-watching careful reasoning convince a 2-year-old that golf clubs and bounce houses should not be combined
-laugh out loud (REALLY loud) inside jokes
-dry ice
-a little voice calling favorite names ("Hopey!" "Ly-Ly" "Matt-chu!" "Kuhs-ten!" "Juu-leuh!" "Ser-ah!" "Gramma!")
-brothers in the bounce house ("big" boy brothers)
-baseball arms driving a golf practice ball farther and higher then anyone knew was possible
-pillowcase dresses
-a small person's explanation of how we are packing boxes to "go to Ana-zone-ah"
-recreated photo scenes from years ago
-being brought things to "take it to our new house"
-super secret spy text messages

"The Trouble with Totems"

My Mother's Day gift to my Momma this year. I gave it to her in February, because I couldn't contain myself.

So thankful for my amazing Momma and everything that she did, gave up and worked at to be at home with us every day, all long. So thankful for my amazing sister and her sense of humor, elephant memory and tenacious stubbornness.

MJMJMJMJMJMJMJMJMJMJMJMJ every day....

Click here to view this photo book larger

"Hell in the Hallway"

Tonight I am thankful. Grateful really. Grateful for a reminder that although I AM called to trust, wait, hope and pray, it IS ok that I don't like it. It's ok that this is difficult. A struggle. That I have moments of doubt, fears, panic, and utter hopelessness. Because no matter where I wander, He's still there. Knowing the plan, carrying it out and doing what is best.

"When God closes a door, He opens another door...

...but it sure can be hell in the hallway!"

(A possibly paraphrased quote of a paraphrased quote. But the truth is still the same.)