Oatmeal Cookies

I always think about Jessica when I make oatmeal cookies.

To be honest, I don't think that I've made oatmeal cookies in 1 year, 10 months and 14 days....ok, I probably hadn't made them in while before that either, but...

I don't usually realize that I've subconsciously cut myself off from something until I go to do it and have a mini melt down. Or as Violet would say "Whatcha freakin' out 'bout Momma?"

The oatmeal "moment" wasn't too bad. But I did miss my sis. Miss sending her care packages with homemade oatmeal cookies -- something that I didn't do nearly often enough.

And now, I would have been able to take them right to her. Often.

Instead I avoid going to Tucson. Almost at any cost. A few weeks ago, when I finally HAD to drive deep into Tucson (my computer charger died and well, I'm sure you all can see how attached I am to my technology right now), I cried from the minute I got off of the freeway until I reached my destination.

She is supposed to be here!

I knew that moving here would be so difficult in this area. Aside from missing our family, friends (things that are huge) and well.....Disneyland.....it has been really wonderful so far. I LOVE getting to see my Momma weekly for "Sunday Dinner" and often in between. I enjoy getting to know Hal better. I am amazed by how little more time I have been at home 40 hours a week, but how much more fulfilled I am than being at work those same 40 hours. We miss our church in CA, but have found a wonderful church here and are already starting to connect with leadership and find areas to get involved in ministry. I am astounded daily by my little one's adaptability, while getting to hold her as she still misses "Caf-i-lorn-ya" and familiarity. It brought such comfort and a smile on Tuesday afternoon this week as we pulled into the garage and for the first time instead of "Is this Ana-zona?" she shouted, "We're home!"

But what only one insightful individual was able to verbalize to me before I left remains:

"It's going to be very strange for you there, with your family, but without her... isn't it?"

So, so true. "Strange" doesn't even begin to describe it. I want to think of all of the things that she could have finally been a part of -- and NOT by Skype. But I know that is useless. The truth is, I *know* that she is healthier, happier, filled and well. But that doesn't change the fact that for me, for now...it "sucks." And that is what she would have said. "THIS SUCKS!" And then, because she was who she was, she would have sighed, made a joke about running the next person she saw over with her wheelchair, gotten a Diet Coke and moved on with her life.

And so for you, SEEZTER...

"Shuh. I'm so running the next person I see over with my.....toddler. No Diet Coke -- you'd kick my booty for feeding your new niece Diet Coke."

And so tomorrow, I go back to Tucson. It won't be any easier. And I'll still probably cry. But I'll probably also giggle a little thinking of you running people down in the Disney store, trying to make sure your Violet got the best spot and enjoyed her free gift.